FERNS

The following is a guide to my ferns, with brief commentary.

Fern #1

     Fern #1 is my favorite. Prehistoric and lush, it stands guard at our front door. I don't even care if the other ferns KNOW Fern #1 is my favorite.

Fern #2

     Fern #2 is the newest. It's a "Mother Fern," according to the little card thingie. It's delicate, leafy, and just an all-around dear. (And yes, that's a Chihuahua leg on the right.)

Fern #3

     I would like to give Fern #3 the "Most Improved" award. It's had some hard, brown & brittle times over the past year, lurking there by the front steps, beaten down by the harsh sun. But I don't give up on it. No, sir.
     I mean, it's not my FAVORITE, like Fern #1. But it's nice.

(Fern #3's fernhole)

Fern #4

     Fern #4 is kind of a disappointment. I mean, I've TRIED. God knows, I have. It started out in Fern #1's pot and location, but just couldn't handle it. Didn't THRIVE. Know what I mean? When I dumped it out of the pot in favor of the more robust and charismatic Fern #1, I almost just dropped Fern #4 in the trash. But I'm not a monster. So I gave it another try at the back of the house, in the shade.

     It keeps withering, though, like a bitch.

     I suppose there's a bit of hope, though, because right now it's on the upturn. Could it be a candidate for "Most Improved" for next year? Possibly. But it better really step up its game with the leafy, and the prehistoric, and the frondy.

Ferns #5

     The Asparagus Ferns at the base of the blue gazing ball in front of the house are like the Borg in that they share a hive mind, which is why they are collectively "#5." They are tough and green and lanky, no matter how much direct sunlight they get. I don't know why I don't consider them "my favorite," like Fern #1. Maybe it's because I'm a little wary of them.

     #5 is hardy, and thrives on little attention. 

     Full sun? No sweat. 

     Scant water? Fuck you, Human, I/we don't need you anyway. 

     Am I/Are we creeping a few feet closer to your front door? Maybe so. Maybe you better watch your back.

SOME OTHER FERNS:

Fern Gully

     Fern Gully was an animated movie about a rain forest that came out in the 1990s. I did not see it.

Best-selling romance author, Fern Michaels

     Fern Michaels writes romance novels, and I've read none of them. The dogs look nice, though.