Wednesday, April 10, 2013


     I would like to take a few minutes to discuss my pants. And pants in general.
     I don't like pants, as a rule. If I could get away with it, I'd wear shorts all year 'round.
     Unfortunately for me, my workplace "strongly urges" us to dress professionally at all times, which means I NEVER wear shorts or even JEANS to work. Plus I have to wear a TIE. Shiiiiiit, man.
     My work pants are all wearing thin-- figuratively, and literally. So I finally had to shop for some new stupid unflattering work pants. It was a degrading, depressing experience, which reminded me of all the reasons I hate pants in the first place.

  •      They remind me that I'm FAT.
  •      They're too warm.
  •      I only wear them to work, so it feels like they should be provided free of cost. But they're NOT.
  •      They fit weird. Which reminds me of how weirdly-shaped I am. (Apparently)

     Take the new pair of pants I'm wearing today, for example. They're very snug in the legs and thighs, yet gape like pantaloons around the waist. I'm wearing a belt, but it creates weird sagging and bunching of fabric that I can't figure out how to distribute more attractively.
Do I look like Little Nemo and his clowny friend, in their weird pantaloons?

     This is not even just because of the whole skinny pants craze. I frequently had this same problem BEFORE the skinny pants invasion. It makes me feel like these pants are designed for a different species or something, like trying to wrestle myself into a pair of dog pants or something. Are my legs and thighs so disproportionately huge? And why does the waist droop? The baggy waist makes NO sense, because I am definitely a little fat most of the time. But I don't see how my legs and thighs can be so much FATTER than my waist! WTF?
     I worry about my pants on a daily basis. Are they too tight? Too droopy? Does my shirt bunch funny where it's tucked in? I've gone so far as to position a magnetic mirror on the metal cabinet in my office so that I can surreptitiously check my waist, crotch, and butt, to make sure everything is holding the line. Zipper up, etc?
     It's tiring. I need a vacation from pants.

1 comment:

  1. I realize that I'm the last person in the world who should complain about pants, but yes, I totally agree, and that's why I love being able to telework. Pants suck. They're evil. Let's just get that right out of the way. PANTS ARE EVIL!

    It's also funny when you think that in the UK, "pants" means "underpants". To them, when we say "I couldn't wait to take off my pants when I got home from work", it meant something salacious and prurient, when it really only meant that you wanted to roger your lorry up the lift and tell you that one of the crossbeams has gone out of skew on the treadle.

    Or something.