CLEANING UP THE NEIGHBORHOOD

          I am sick and tired of seeing ladies wearing track suits "speed-walking" purposefully down the street.  I hate their track suits, I hate their visors or perky pink baseball caps, I hate the way they swing their arms high, like they're just DARING someone to get in their way.  The smug look on their faces says, "I lead a healthy lifestyle!  I am an active and energetic American!  I have a positive attitude!  I'm doing something proactive!"

          This morning on the way to work I kept glancing at myself in the rearview mirror and wondering why I look like shit, and just exactly what the fuck my hair is doing.  I'm wearing tan pants that make me feel super fat, but I have no choice because that's all that's clean right now.  I was running late, feeling haggard, and then I spotted two ladies speed-walking jauntily down the street.

          Did I mention I also hate it when they come in pairs?  Because I do.  Something about the way they chat enthusiastically, marching and twitching in stride. 

          I noticed that one of the women I saw this morning was carrying a long stick, occasionally jabbing it at something on the ground, without breaking stride.  It was one of those trash pokers, and she was collecting street debris as she bustled along, cleaning up her neighborhood.  I thought, "Well, isn't that NICE."

          I really wanted to swerve and demolish her AND her friend, which would have been MY way of cleaning up the neighborhood.