LET'S GET PHYSICAL

Here is the current state of my hair, my right foot, and my fat ass:

HAIRCUT
          I'm actually kind of proud of this.  Last weekend I got fed up with my hair being too long in back, but knowing that every time I go to an actual hair stylist and tell them what I want, they deny me.  I just want it left long in front, and short in back.  The stylists always tell me that you can't do that and make it look right, but I'm gay.  I have my own ideas about these things.  Can they not just humor me?!
          Anyway, I started thinking about it, and a cutting plan formulated in my mind, involving sectioned-off locks of hair, cutting each section a certain way.  So I did it.  I used my little-girl barrettes to do the sectioning, because I like the absurdity of a 39-year-old dude with little kitties, balloons, and plastic daisies clipped to his head.  By the time I was done I was quite pleased.  Even my detail-oriented husband approved, although he did have to even up a little bit of the back.

BLOODY FOOT
          Yesterday as I was leaving work I kept feeling what I thought was a sharp rock in my right shoe.  It hurt like a mutha, but I didn't want to have to take my shoe off at work, or in my car.  I just wanted to get HOME.  By the time I got home and in the door, it REALLY hurt.  I took my shoe off to find my sock had a bloody hole torn in it.  I was whining and moaning, so Anthony took my shoe and discovered there was a piece of BROKEN GLASS wedged into the sole on the inside.
          I could have DIED.  But he pried the broken glass out, so I guess I'll survive the next time I wear those shoes.

MY FATTEST ANGLE
          In the mirror this morning before work I discovered what is undeniably my fattest angle.  It had a lot to do with the pose, too, and the fact that I was wearing unfortunate khaki pants, with a light blue dress shirt tucked in.  It's my ugliest work outfit.
          I found that by turning to sort of a 3/4 angle, and keeping one foot behind the other, and kind of slouching and letting it all hang out, I could make myself look truly bloppy and horrendous.  Just a big beige sack of potatoes on a stick.  With fabulous hair.