SPAZ ATTACKS

     Yesterday at work I had two spaz episodes I thought I'd capture in words.
     The first was whilst I was in the bathroom, on the toilet.
     Don't worry, it's not THAT kind of incident. But let me explain that the bathroom adjacent to the library is of the one-seater unisex variety. One toilet, one urinal. There's a sliding sign on the outside that you switch to "OCCUPIED" before going in and locking the door. The real problem is that since this bathroom is between a classroom and the library, once in a while, even though they're not supposed to, a student will use that bathroom. So it's VERY important to use the "OCCUPIED" sign and lock the door.
     I live in fear that I'll THINK I've locked the door, but it won't really be locked. Even if I'm in the stall, I will peek out several times just to make sure the latch on the bathroom door is clearly in the locked position. I get totally OCD about it.
     So yesterday I was sitting there on the toilet doing my business and the STALL DOOR swung open.
     It flashed through my mind that I must have forgotten to lock the bathroom door, and someone had walked right in and opened the stall door. My hand shot out lightning-fast to jam the stall door shut with a bang so hard it made the stall wall reverberate hard enough to knock something off the wall. Whatever it was clattered onto my head and I thought the sky was falling and my public social ruination was all happening at once.
     I honestly don't recall what I said or yelped, probably just some defensive animal sound. I know it wasn't anything as sensible and calm as, "I'm in here!" or just, "Occupied!"
     In the frozen moment afterward I slowly grabbed the fallen thing off my head. The cardboard dispenser of tissue seat covers. My eyes were wide, my breath stopped. I peered between the door and the stall wall, fearing to see a sliver of some student already tweeting the incident on their iPhone. Mr. Kovac on the toilet, pants down, nearly knocked unconscious by tissue paper seat covers.
     Silence.
     I slowly eased the unlatched stall door open to find the bathroom empty, the main door indeed locked. I realized I had merely forgotten to latch the STALL door securely, and it had merely come completely unlatched and creaked open. I was still blessedly alone in the bathroom.
     But I had made a banging, clattering ruckus in there, and I'm sure someone in the classroom just a few feet away must have heard it. My heart thundered with narrowly-avoided shame for minutes afterward.  
     The second incident was when I was leaving for the day, passing by a few students hard at work at one of the tables. Under my arm I had clamped my large drawing pad, in which was carefully (I thought) concealed a cartoon I was nearly finished with. It depicts a man in the forest getting his penis caught in a bear trap, while a monstrously huge Slavic woman charges out of the trees yelling at him for this. (See it HERE) Very high-brow.
     Anyway, as I was bustling by the students with my messenger bag and my drawing pad, a piece of paper shot out onto the table and landed right on top of what the students were working on. Luckily, the students were so startled they immediately looked up at me, which gave me time to snatch the penis-in-a-bear-trap cartoon away before they realized what they were looking at.
     But I was HORRIFIED in that brief instant that I looked down and saw my crude cartoon landing right on top of the students' homework. I would NEVER have lived that down.
     I muttered, "Oh, sorry!" and dashed out the back door.

CARTOON : Bear Trap

ARTWORK : Retirement Ladies

"Ladies of Leisure"

     I was asked to do a flyer for two Librarians who are retiring at the end of this school-year. This is the illustration I did for it. Obviously, one of them is into gardening, and the other enjoys scrapbooking and what she refers to as "gentle fiction." I just made up the dulcimer part.

CARTOON : "English Teacher"

MAILBOX : Australian zines, Bentley Little, and Pauline Baynes

     I just thought I'd share some cool stuff I've received in the mail recently.

     Hot Rod Librarian, who lives in Australia, purchased via Etsy some issues of Library Bonnet, the zine I do with my pal Julie. Then lo and behold she sent us a few issues of her own library-themed zine! In a pink envelope with koala postage and ironic Jesus stickers, no less!

Koala stamp! What adorable postage!

     Did you know that although they look adorable, koalas kill about 5,000 people a year? I swear! I just made it up!

Text reads: "As you do not actually know me, I should point out these stickers were used with absolute irony."

HotRodLibrarian Zine issue #1

     That very same trip to the post office box I also found Bentley Little's newest horror novel, The Haunted waiting for me! He's a nice local dude I've corresponded with for years, and he's kind enough to always send me his latest book, signed. I didn't even know this one was out!

Bentley Little's latest horror novel, The Haunted

     A few weeks ago I also received a lovely hardcover copy of Questionable Creatures: a Bestiary by Pauline Baynes, original Narnia illustrator. It was sent to me by a really nice bookish couple who live in England. They follow my blog and are fans of Pauline Baynes. Apparently they found this copy in the remainders pile at a local bookstore, but it's in perfect condition! Lucky for me they already had a copy, and were generous enough to send this one to Anthony and me.

Pauline Baynes' Questionable Creatures: a Bestiary

     The moral of this story is that people who read and/or write tend to be very generous and thoughtful.
     So why am I such a dick?
     (Am I kidding? Maybe... Maybe not...)

CRAFT TIME : tablet tote out of discarded library book

          I bought a "budget tablet" recently, because I sure as hell can't afford an actual iPad. My tablet is a Lenovo Ideapad A1, and was on sale for $199 at Best Buy. Just sayin'. PC World rated it the best of the budget tablets.

          I was going to fork over some more cash for a cover/case/whatever, but then I decided to get resourceful and creative instead.

          When I told my husband I was going to MAKE a tablet protector case out of a discarded library book, he was like, "Mm-hm. Sure you will." (In his defense, I say LOTS of things. Yesterday I was sitting on the couch watching TV, and said, "In an alternate reality I'm on the treadmill right now.")

"The Wind and the Rain," a book of poetry

          Having worked in numerous libraries, I have collected a stash of discarded paperbacks and hardbacks. Some because I like the books themselves, and some because I was sure one day they would provide craft material.
          First I chose a hardback of pleasing color and title that was just slightly bigger than my tablet.

          Then I boldly tore out the pages. It was an uncharacteristic act of savagery. I liked it.

          I kept the eviscerated insides because I'm a pack rat, and maybe I can use them for some OTHER craft.

          Next I chose a pale blue felt rectangle with which to line the inside of the book cover. I used regular Elmer's glue for that, but have since discovered that actual "fabric glue" works a lot better when you're working with felt.

          I glued two rectangles of black felt together, back-to-back, to give an extra layer of cushioning, and then folded them in half and sewed the two sides up, to create a pocket. Get it? I turned it inside-out, so the stitching is hidden on the inside. This is the extent of my sewing skills, and even that much is really pushing it.
          I glued the black felt pocket to the blue felt lining with Elmer's glue. It didn't really work and made a mess, and I was like, "Shit! It's RUINED! Everything is RUINED!" But I took a deep breath and went to Michael's, where I found cheap FABRIC GLUE. It worked like a charm, and the crisis was averted.

          I made Velcro fasteners using squares of iron-on adhesive Velcro, shown above. If I had KNOWN I'd be using iron-on stuff, I would have done that BEFORE gluing the blue felt liner into the inside of the book cover. Which is why I had to cut a new strip of blue felt, iron the Velcro square onto that, and then glue it onto the existing blue felt liner.
          (Luckily I had figured out the iron-on Velcro BEFORE I sewed up the black pocket, otherwise that would have been a lot trickier, too.)

          But wait- we're not done! On the outside of the book cover there were some icky yellowish stains from old book tape that had been used to hold the dust jacket (which I got rid of, it was ugly) in place. I tried gently cleaning the stains with Windex, but it didn't work.

          That's where ephemera and adhesive decorations come in handy. Back to Michael's.

The front, tastefully decorated

The back, tastefully decorated

          Okay, NOW we're done.

          And look! It's a secret. Nobody will even know there's a TABLET in there...

There it is! Third book from the puppy! Shhh...

WRITERLY WRITING : My teensy article on ebook formatting

     My friend Rilla, who edits a local edition of SCBWI's (Society of Children's Book Writers & Illustrators) Kite Tales e-newsletter (whew!) recently asked me to write an article about e-book formatting for their regular internet/techie column. I happily agreed, even though I'm still a novice. I've really only figured out enough to upload a short story fairly successfully. My article is mainly for writers who are intimidated by the very idea of it, and just need a little reassurance and basic step-by-step clarity.

Here's the link to the newsletter: http://www.scbwisocal.org/kitetales/2012/KTSpring12.pdf

     My article is on pages 27/28, and if you look at the table of contents ("In This Issue") on the left-hand side of the first page and find my article under "Columns," you can click on the page number and jump right to it.

     There's even a handy-dandy "clip and save" square you can cut out and stick to whatever nearby stickable space you have near your desk. Then, when you have a finished piece of fiction to convert into an ebook to sell on Amazon, just go down the line and check off each step until you're done!

     And in case you're wondering if I have any ebooks available on Amazon, I currently have two short (and bargain priced at only 99 cents each!) stories. They're both Halloween-themed, but don't let that stop you from checking them out during other times of the year. Here are the links:

PUMPY'S STAIN: a very short and mean-spirited Halloween story

Blisterworm: a Halloween adventure for all ages