ERNEST GOES TO WONDERLAND : Tim Burton's painful "Alice"

          I know it came out quite a while ago, but it was on cable this morning, and I ended up watching the last half of it, with the same nauseating mixture of bafflement and disappointment I felt when we first saw it in the theater in 3D.

          And by the way, the ONLY thing in the film worthy of 3D was the Cheshire Cat's all-too-brief appearances. There was no other point to the inflated ticket price and stupid glasses.
          I don't know whether to blame Burton, or Disney, or both, for the many horrendous flaws and massive errors in judgment. The only ones involved in the film I DON'T heap loathing upon are the artists directly responsible for the many stunning visuals. I admit it all LOOKS great.
          To begin with, the idea of Alice returning to Wonderland as an adult and having only a hazy memory of her past visit is certainly nothing new. It's been done many times over, pornfully and otherwise. And I don't like it.
          I read part of an interview with Burton before the film came out in which he states that he doesn't really like the original story, or even the original animated Disney movie. It came across sounding like this was Burton's way of "fixing" all the things he felt were wrong with the original story. The end result is a Wonderland stripped of its unique and delightful nonsense. One of the qualities that makes Carroll's work memorable is the wandering & dreamlike anecdotal structure. (or non-structure, as the case may be) Things end abruptly, happen for no apparent reason, and transition in strange nonsensical ways.
          Wonderland should not be linear or plot-driven! Forcing it to be so just makes it feel like Burton &/or Disney don't understand the original property. Who wants a non-dreamlike Wonderland?!
          Johnny Depp used to be cool. Now he has done about 2 "Pirates" movies too many. Some of us are pretty tired of his "Jack Sparrow" shtick. Some of us don't want to see Jack Sparrow aping about and mugging for the kids as the Mad Hatter. Some of us think the Mad Hatter makes a very creepy love interest for Alice, since he first met her when she was 7 and he was already clearly much older. Maybe Disney & Burton think the Hatter/Alice crush element was subtle, but it was not.
          I didn't like the special effects used to make the Queen of Hearts' head look huge. It was distracting. Likewise the awkward elongating of the Knave of Hearts. And the thing about her court wearing fake enlarged prosthetics was totally stupid and not Wonderland-y. Why would they have to use prosthetics when it would be more in keeping with the fantasy to have them just rub a bit of that enlarging cake on whatever they want bigger, or drop a bit of the shrinking stuff on anything to make it smaller? Know what I mean? Rather than swallowing the size-changing stuff, which obviously affects the entire body, just use it topically on certain parts. That's nonsense logic.
          Didn't like the Burton/Disney Dormouse, either. Didn't like her having the voice of an old lady, or being all vicious and wanting to stab things with her sword. That is so unlike the book they should have just used another character entirely. The Dormouse is supposed to be little and cute, dozing drunkenly in a teapot and mumbling bits of stories and songs.
          Epic battles between organized armies do not belong in Wonderland. Neither do prophecies. The residents of Wonderland have short attention spans and very poor organizational skills, and that's part of why I love them. Dum & Dee can occasionally fight it out with pots and pans until they both get winded and fall down, but that's it. If you want epic battles and crap like that, look to Narnia, Middle Earth, or Prydain.
          Also, the POEM is called "Jabberwocky," the creature itself is "the Jabberwock." Yet in the Burton/Disney version, they all refer to the creature as "the Jabberwocky." This is unforgivable. It's like not knowing the difference between Frankenstein the mad scientist, and Frankenstein's MONSTER.
          The worst moment of the entire film, the "bottom of the barrel" moment, is the Mad Hatter's shockingly lame dance of victory after the "Jabberwocky" is slain. It has some stupid name like "the fluffernutter" or whatever, and has no basis from the original books. It's so lame, with anachronistic almost hip-hop music, it makes you feel like you're watching "Ernest Goes To Wonderland." And I do not want to feel like that. I don't need to see Johnny Depp staining Carroll's creative property with a puerile Michael Jackson imitation. But I've already seen it and it cannot be unseen.  :(
          Avril Lavigne over the end credits. Seriously? Who thought Lewis Carroll's classic story would be best honored by Avril fucking Lavigne?! There are not enough words in the English language to describe the injustice. Robert Smith did a much more appropriate song for the soundtrack, called "Very Good Advice," based on the Caterpillar's dialogue from the book. Why didn't they use that instead? Did they just want to make absolutely sure that only 13 year-old Hot Topic shoppers would leave the film happy?
          Did I like ANYTHING about the film? Well, I enjoyed Anne Hathaway, because I like her and thought she was kind of funny. It was weird having the Queen of Hearts from a game of cards, and then the White Queen presumably from a game of Chess, especially since they were supposed to be sisters. But I still liked Hathaway's performance for some reason.
          The Jabberwock looked totally awesome, despite everyone calling it the wrong thing.
          I loved the Cheshire Cat, and thought that one character probably hit the only really appropriate note in the entire film. The way he lazily rolled about in mid-air and appeared and vanished like smoke was great. The big glowing eyes were cool, too.
          Okay, and Alan Rickman voicing the Caterpillar was cool. Visually the Caterpillar was cute and looked right.
          But I would never want to own this movie because it ultimately just pisses me off, as you can tell.

MORE SIGNS

Taken in our condo complex today:

"Wait at least one hour after eating before shitting in the pool."

SIGNS

Might these signs we saw at a local park be related,

like "cause & effect?"

BITCH STOLE MY LOOK

          If you've watched "Fashion Police" on "E," then you're familiar with the segment where they find pictures of Hollywood starlets wearing the same or very similar outfits.  Joan Rivers always gets the studio audience to rasp along with her, "Bitch... stole... my... look!"
          Then Joan and her bony, bitchy cohorts vote on which vapid celebrity wore it best.
          Well, in the library we were discarding an encyclopedic set of books about "peoples of the world" or some shit like that, and I happened across this picture and thought, "OMG, that is EXACTLY like 'Bitch Stole My Look!'"
          If you ask me, the woman on the far right wore it best.  Why?  Because she obviously saw her gal pals stealing her look, and ditched her own shawl/mosquito netting.  She probably stuffed it angrily behind a cactus.  The lack of it shows off her figure better, and besides, the two shrouded ladies look like amputees. 
          Our diva on the far right took a fashion risk that sets her apart from those other bitches, and for that I applaud her.

DAY PLANNER 2011

It's crafty!

          A few years ago our tax lady convinced me to keep a day planner with all my appointments, trips, etc.  Now I find it indispensible, and write every deadline or obligation in that one place, rather than scattered between 2 wall calendars at home, and 2 at work.
          The first couple day planners I purchased on the cheap, but then I realized it's pretty stupid simple and I could totally just make my own for even CHEAPER.  So I did.
          I found a 99 cent children's book on birds at the used book store and tore out the interior pages and decorated it all DIY gay, as you can see above.  I even used felt and Velcro for a fastener, and Martha Stewart brand wedding invitation embelishments spray-painted black.  WTF, right?  I was in a frenzy, so I even busted out the pinking shears, duct tape, and Dymo label gun.
          For the interior calendar pages I just used Word and created tables with the right amount of cells and filled in the date info.  I printed and stapled it half-size zine style, which fit inside the book perfectly, and glued the end pages to the inside book covers.
          It's a little ugly.

ALBINO SNAIL: cursed by God

Grainy cell phone photo, but you can see this little fellow is clearly an unnatural freak

          On the way out to my truck this morning I passed a small herd of snails making their ponderous way toward the pool.  One of them was set a little apart from the others, and I noticed right away that it was offensively different from its fellows.  Instead of the normal gray, this one snail was a horrid, god-cursed milky yellow-white.  With just a hint of a greenish tinge.  Exactly the color of glow-in-the-dark stuff, know what I mean?
          I crouched down beside it and hissed, "You make me SICK." 
          Then I took pictures of it and left for work.

THE DOG BARFED ON MY WEEK

          I've been having a pretty crappy week because I have a really bad cold that started late Sunday evening, thankfully AFTER I had spent a lovely Mother's Day with my lovely mother.
          Monday was my last scheduled furlough day for this school-year, which kind of sucks because I don't get paid for it, and I spent the whole day sitting around at home coughing and blowing my nose and battling a sore throat.
          Tuesday I was still sick, but went to work anyway because the Librarian and I had already planned for me to take about 6 boxes of donated old books to the used book store, to exchange for store credit so I could buy cool stuff for the library.  That was kind of a lot for me to do while still being sick, especially since the used book store does not have air-conditioning.  I was already confused and feverish and it just made me more-so.
          Last night I awoke in the dark because Esther was wiggling around under the covers, licking my leg.  I reached down to move her away and felt something... WRONG.  I lifted the covers to find she had BARFED ALL OVER ME and the bed, and was LICKING IT UP.  That is both disgusting, AND an invasion of my personal space.  What I have learned from this incident is that startling and revolting things can happen when I least expect it, in a place I think I'm safest.
          Anthony the night owl was still up, so I got his attention by running down the hallway yelling "GROSS GROSS GROSS!!!" 
          He was a total lamb.  While I was changing into non-barfy clothes, he helped strip the barfy sheets and put clean ones on.
          When I finally tried to go back to sleep I was torn between wanting to comfort Esther and let her know there were no hard feelings, but also being wary of another barfing episode.  And she was right back at my side again, way too close for comfort if she was gonna blow more chunks.  But those big dark sensitive eyes... how can you turn her away? 
          That's one of the many reasons I'm not sad that Anthony and I chose not to have kids.  When I'm tired I wanna be able to SLEEP, not have to deal with someone else's barf, or pee, or poop or whatever.
          It's gross and inconvenient enough when I barf, pee, or poop.  Or cry. 
          Speaking of things that do all of that, I have to go to a BABY SHOWER today.  I am not thrilled.  It's been sneakily incorporated into a Library meeting, so there's no escape for someone like me who does not think a baby is necessarily a reason to celebrate. 
          Babies are just little people, and people are mostly crappy.  I don't like many of them.  Nobody can give me a guarantee that this baby won't turn out to be a total asshole.  Hitler was once a baby.  Was THAT a reason to celebrate?